This Week In The Office XIII

I'm back!

Yes, you heard right, no need for any hearing aids yet (actually, to be prescise you read right, but I think you see where I'm coming from). I am back. Yes indeed. Not that I ever actually left as such.....I just took a brief sabbatical to relax and make fun of Fat without having to write about it afterwards. Which was nice.

Anyway, I'm here now, so rather than cop out and not bother finishing this, I think I might get you all up to date on the goingz on from the "office" during the last however many weeks. So here, to turn the article on its head, so to speak, is the headlines:

(Elsewhere in the blah blah blah etc..)

• Nick "Munky" Miles has now officially left us for pastures...er...more boring and become, it would seem a hermit/layabout/lazy faggot all rolled into one. As far as we can assertain, he just sits on his butt all day doing nowt (and spending a damned long time on the internet). GET UP AND DO SOMETHING, MATE!!
• Talking of lazy people, The Webmaster's beard (sorry about the way in which he edited out all the stuff about this amazingly comical item, but he is the editor) has finally escaped. It could stand no more. I believe it has now taken up residence upon the head of Liam Gallagher in the cunning disguise of a shocking haircut. Or mabye thats what it looks like naturally. Who knows?
• Fat Bat has become even more of a twat over the last few weeks, with increasing numbers of violent assaults (mostly on my left arm and various items of furniture).
• Vesten "P*rn-King" Tit-Hewl, that famous icon for inappropiate adult activities the world over, told me to stop insulting him in my articles. I said no. End of story.....or so he thought. Oooh, little did poor Vesten know that every time he tells me to stop will only make me insult him more. This is WAR, people, WAR. But more on that later.
• The Lang, ever the seasoned voice of intellectualism and cunningness itself personified, stood quietly to one side and kept out of everything that was said. Cunningly.

In another, completely unrelated story:

RETURN OF THE MOJO SWEET!!!

Yes, dear, dear people, the Mojo sweet, the brunt of a large section of article space back in september, has returned, in a new and exciting new flavour. The only sweet that can boost your sex-drive made an appearance in a new, interesting banana flavour, complete with yellow wrapper. Where do they come from? If anyone sees any Mojo's out and about (no, I don't mean walking, before any flash-ass makes a smart-alec comment to, err...smart-Alex, actually. Sorry, I do realise that was a lame joke), please fill in a comments form detailing the whereabouts so we can fetch Fat Bat some for christmas.

Talking of sexual inadequacies, check this out. It's a direct quote from a Computing coursework paper:

"Desirable Extensions?"

Yes, that is genuine and yes, that is all it said.

MORE ON THE WAR

I mentioned eariler that I had declared war upon the unfortunate head of Vesten.

Vesten, it would seem, is somewhat annoyed about the fact that I keep mentioning him and his adult exploits in these very pages. Now Vesten, unlike most people, seems to have a strange and wonderful desease that prevents him point blank from producing anything anywhere near a good insult when he is angry and wants to get someone back. For no apparent reason I have decided thus to wage a long and bloody war against him. I will insult him even more. This will commence from next week. Just so you know.

Well, elsewhere in the office this last few weeks (part 2):

• I went mental. Then I returned from the wilderness of mentalism and became me once more. Then Fat hit me. You can guess the rest.
• Fat Bat, apart from becoming twatier (if thats a word) had an unfortunate but somewhat entertaining incident when one of the multiple cans of Coke that he stores in his school locker decided, on a whim, that it was suddenly very bored with holding in all the liquid inside it and thus deposited most of it on the interior of the locker and Fat himself. That'll teach him to keep extravegant amounts of drinking matter in his locker for long periods.
• Not content with giving the corridor floor a nice covering of soft drink, Fat then managed to allow a number of M&M's to escape from his evil grasp en route to his mouth, thus adding a new dimension to the texture of the floor. Wonderful.
• The Webmaster, voted (yes, I still do these occasionally) "person most unlikely to purchase any new (or used) item of clothing in the next 6 years" in a recent survey has shocked us all by buying a new green [It's olive, and pretty old as well! - Ed] sweater. He then proceded to wear this for the entire week. He just never learns........
• In a recent computing lesson, Vesten impored me to "write about all the stupid stuff that you (thats me, Bigal) do". Pfft. As if I'd ever do anything stupid. Well, ok, so maybe once. Here it is (just to lull Vesten into a false sense of security). I actually said this. I don't know what possessed me now, but it is a genuine comment: "Hmm....there's a stain on my trousers......I'm sure Fat's got something to do with it...." Sorry. I apologise for my momentary stupidity.
• A quote from Vesten "P*rn King" Tit-Hewl: "Insanity is the only way you can cope with computing." How very true. It is worth noting, however, that directly after saying this comment Vesten started saying "Ooh!" in varying tones of high-pitchedness and in a homosexual manner began to prod the table.

Well, if I write any more I shall become limp-wristed and this is no position for a man such as myself to be in, so I shall break off now and go rest.

Until the time during which you decide to entertain us with the everlasting pleasure of another hit on the site,

"Never bend over in the presence of Fat Bat" Not that I'm insinuating anything.

Al La Bigalo

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