This Week In The Office XV

I am quite annoyed. May I suggest that you all come back later when I've finished producing large quantities of steam from my ears? Good. See you three lines down then.


Ok. I'm just about finished. Now your probably all wondering just why the usually (!) sane Bigal has lost his rag. Well, to put it in one blunt question that should give you a large idea about what this is all about: "Why are bus drivers so.....dumb?". I shall make that a headline......

WHY ARE BUS DRIVERS SO DUMB?

Unfortuanatly, my dear friends, I have not the answer to this question. However, I should like at first to draw some similarities from the form of the bus driver in relation to the form of Fat Bat that may help us further answer this question.

Well.....ok....not quite as many similarities as I had expected then.....hmm.....must think...of new.....yes.

I shall recall to you kind folks just what put me on this warpath. Today, on my way home from school, I caught a bus. That is to say I nearly didn't catch the bus, because it was on time for once and I had misjudged its arrival slightly....anyhoo I had to run to get to it. Nimbly jumping aboard before an pensioner with not quite as much energy as me had a startling effect on the old dear who thus started to spout off pointless rubbish about "the old days" and "young 'uns" and how "when we used to queue we queued civilized, like, ain't that right Mavis?" and informing me that if I had been alive "during the war" we "would have lost". I meekly vacated my slot at the pointy end of the boarding line and slunk to the back of the line, hearing the "tuts" and "youth today, Mavis, I'm tellin' you, if we sent em' down the mines like we use to 'ave to from three till midnight it'd teach the crafty buggers some disipline....umm, yeah, bring back the cane as well. Three good 'ard spankin's a day never did us no 'arm, did it?" all the way down the line. I waited my turn and aproached the driver, red in the face and still puffing (I had run there, remember) and asked him for a ticket to my stop. Strange, this. My stop seems to evade the knowledge of every single darned bus driver who ever drives the route which I travel, despite the fact that it is actually where the line terminates. EVERY TIME I get on a bus I have to face the same style of fat ponce with tight clothing and a love of fast food and kebabs, and EVERY TIME when I ask for my stop I have to wait for a considerable length of time while the driver babbles on about how he's never driven the route before or normally drives the 289 from Arse-end to Slagpool (despite the fact I've usually seen him before on this bus on more than one occasion) and I have to wait further still while he shifts endless piles of paper and charts from inside the cabin (it can't require that much literature to drive from A to B, surely?). EVERY DAMNED TIME I have to stand there and watch while he hits random combinations of buttons on his machine thing, and stare as somehow each of them turns up an error signal.

On this occasion I interupted him at step 2 and told him the code. He punched some buttons, the machine thing beeped a little and gave up an error signal, he punched a few more, pulled out a spanner and hit it and that seemed to shut it up.
"£3.20" He said, looking at me.
"Er..no, I have a Student Fare card, see? I did show you it when I got on. It gives me half fare travel." Driver grunted a little, punched away somemore and looked at me again.
"£1.50" He said. I placed a shining (!) ten pound note on the money recepticale (!!).
"Sorry mate, it's all I have!" I said, proferring a slight smile. This did not please him.
"Do you really expect me to take this!?" He asked, picking the note up and waving it in front of my eyes in a patronising manner then placing it down again. Not to be outdone by a fat man, I picked it back up.
"Yes!?" I said waving it in front of his eyes in a patronising manner and placing it back down. This seemed to flummox the driver somewhat and he huffed and picked the note up and extracted a large heavy duty wallet from his pocket. I was slightly annoyed at his behaviour and thus decided to comment.
"Surely it can't be that much of an inconvieniance....I mean, it's only a tenner." I smiled, hoping to make him feel guilty for making such a mountain out of a mole hill. This, however, only served to inrage him further still.
"Yes! It is that much of an inconvieniance!" I was puzzled. Surely it can't take that much effort, I don't care how big your butt is, to give change.
"But all I'm asking for is change for a tenner. Can you manage that?" Obviously I didn't add the last four lines but I was thinking them.
"You get on my bus and give me bloody tenner and expect me to change it....I mean, there's a McDonalds (stops and salivates wildly for a second) across the road, you could have got change there while you were waiting..!" I had to run, remember.
"I didn't wait for the bus because it's usually late and I can't be fagged to sit on my ass for fourty minutes only to be greeted my a mindless fat twat like you. Now give me my change." (Or words to that effect) I answered. He didn't respond (presumably dreaming of a McDonalds) for a second then continued.
"..But instead you expect me to change a tenner! Next time if you get on my bus with this much money you can wait for the next one." He had finally worked out just how much he owed me (and it wasn't as if he was short of change anyway, there was about £100 worth if £5 and, get this £10 notes in his wallet) and plonked the change on the money tray. I was inraged.
"Excuse me. I am a PAYING customer of your company. I PAY YOUR WAGES. If you EVER talk to me like that again I will never use this bus service again and I will complain about YOUR pitiful treatment of a PAYING CUSTOMER to your head office. You have worse people skills that the Webmaster [Not that my people skills are bad ...... they're just ... non-existant! - Ed] and Fat Bat rolled into one." (I missed out the last sentance because he wouldn't have got it anyway) And in a rather loud voice I added "You moody Fat c*nt!" as I walked away. I don't think he heard that though.

And that, my dear friends, is why bus drivers are so stupid. Err...yes. I think I'll move on.

Elsewhere in the office this week:

NICK "MUNKY" MILES UPDATE

This week Nick astounded no-one by doing nothing. At all. If he does not give my video back (which he has had for over a month now) I shall shut him in a small cupboard with Fat Bat for an hour then laugh as he becomes a hidious jibbering wreck in front of my very eyes. Got the picture, Nick?

Well, I gotta go now.

G'bye.

Till the next week.

Al Gib(bon) friend of Nick "Munky" Miles


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