This Week In The Office Christmas Special 2000:
A Chat With Fat Bat

Dearest Readers,

On this page is an entire transcript of a candid interview with Fat Bat about his past, his present and his future. I must warn those of you who have heart conditions, are likely to moan to the authorities and/or generally are of a nervous/timid disposition that the Website, BigAl, Fat Bat and/or the Webmaster accept no blame for injurys caused, directly or indirectly, by this articles shocking and at times disturbingly graphic content. Now read on, my friends, read on, for a rare glance into the world of the one, the only (and boy, are we thankful for that), Fat Bat...

The Day: Tuesday
The Date: 12/12/00
The Time: 12:00 (midday)
The Place: A small branch of Burger King in south-east England

Imagine the scene. It's pouring with rain outside. The doors open and in straggle Fat Bat and his lesser large boned companion BigAl. Fat Bat immediatly walks to the counter, ponders for a second them prepares to order a veritable mountain of food. BigAl, sensing the potential for embarrasment to be seen ordering food with this man mountain, mumbles something to Fat, gives him a tenner for the bill and walks to the seating area downstairs. BigAl sits down, makes himself comfortable, and whips out a note pad, and begins jotting what looks like questions frantically on the pad. Shortly Fat Bat struggles downstairs holding a tray full of food, dumps it on the table, and devours the entirity of his order in the space of 5 minutes, then sits and waits, talking loudly at BigAl about Englands cricket win over Pakistan the day previous as BigAl eats away. When BigAl is finished, Fat Bat whips out a dictaphone from his pocket, and places it on the table. BigAl turns it on. This is riveting stuff. As BigAl drinks his 14th cup of coffee of the day, the two engage in a wild and unabaitedly...er...mad...er...conversation. This is the transcript of that conversation, direct from the tape, with no editing and no fiddling of any kind. Enjoy.

(Background noise of general restaurant chatter and light cheesy christmas music in background)
BigAl:....er...(Clunk)..thankyou...ok....you're a bloody journalist, man...ok, the first one is: "What d'ya think of school, then?" and give it a rating out of 10.
Fat Bat: What do I think of school...(pause)..well...it can be ok...I suppose...but some of the lessons are dead boring, some of the teachers are right pains in the..er..proverbial.....
BigAl: What is the "proverbial"?
Fat Bat: Eh!? (Sniggering like a schoolgirl) Up your backside (accompanied with gesture)....but..er..overall, I suppose, it's generally ok, time to chill out with your mates, doss, doss around, skive lessons (BigAl laughs in background)...so, out of ten.....8 1/2, 9.
BigAl: Thats not bad. Ok. Thoughts on the Euro?
Fat Bat: Thoughts on the Euro...
BigAl: ...Plus a rating out of ten, dunno how you wanna rate that out of ten..
Fat Bat: ...how I'd wanna rate that one outta ten (sigh)...the Euro...its the biggest waste of time going...I mean, next thing you know we'll have the United States Of Europe versus The United States of America at...whatever...then you've got the...then you got the power blocks in the East as well...ahh, I mean, the state of Europe is as bad as it is at the moment...the Euro...well...smmpt..the longer we don't join it, the better.
BigAl: So you wanna keep your own currency then?
Fat Bat: Keep, Keep yer yeah...keep the pound!
BigAl: So, your..
Fat Bat: ...in Europe..
BigAl: ..rate..
Fat Bat: ..in Europe, not run by Europe!! (over the top of BigAl trying to say something)
BigAl: So, your rating out of ten for that then?
Fat Bat: Minus 999.
BigAl: Right, ok, thats sorted (Snigger) Ok...ummm...this is about the American Presidental Farce thing....who do you think should be President and why?
Fat Bat: (Long sigh)
BigAl: ...and if you say someone who isn't a candidate I'm gonna hit you.
Fat Bat: Well Bush, Bush should be President because...yeah, he's, he's totally American....he's...his old man was a resonable President..umm...and stuff...
BigAl: But do you not think it's better to put expiriance over, you know, human..ly..attributes?
Fat Bat: Yeah I...to an extent although I do think..umm...Al Gore should be President on the other hand because...in my personal opinion I think he should be, because he..um...he's obviously been building up to it, being Vice-President for the last however many years..
BigAl: Exactly.
Fat Bat: ...He isn't, he is'nt, he isn't relying on his Dad's advisors, one of which died last week while giving advice...and umm..
BigAl: He died while giving advice?
Fat Bat: Yeah....
BigAl: You mean he had a heart attack?
Fat Bat: Yeah and (BigAl muttering in background) and...un...unlike...and unlike ummm....unlike err...Bush, he's actually been out of...out of..eh..umm...he's been outside of er...Canada and South America, (BigAl laughs in background) he's been to Europe and knows where Europe is...
BigAl: And doesn't make stupid comments either.
Fat Bat: And...yeah. Although really...although really most people would think Britney Spears should be President cuz whatever she says goes.
BigAl: (in dream like voice) Yeah...erm..so err...leading on from that, what do you think of this "Presidential Farce"?
Fat Bat: (Sigh) It's the biggest waste of time going.
BigAl: But you said that for the Euro.
Fat Bat: Yeah I know, but the Ame....the Americans can't sort anything out.
Bigal: He he...
Fat Bat: I mean...
Bigal: ...scathing.
Fat Bat: Yeah, I mean...I mean we can sort out a Prrrr...a Prime Minister within...two days.
Bigal: Can we?
Fat Bat: ...and the Yanks, they can't get their President within...six weeks.
Bigal: Five weeks.
Fat Bat: Well, five weeks.
Bigal: It's five weeks to date.
Fat Bat: Yeah.
Bigal: How could they have resolved it earlier? Probably an obvious question..
Fat Bat: They could have made the...umm..voting system easier...they could have brou....asked...they could have asked what two deligates from every country in Europe or outside the States to vote....
Bigal: He he...
Fat Bat: Or or...or they could've asked...anybody und...everybod...they should only have taken votes from those under the age of five.
Bigal: Reckon it would've been more obvious?
Fat Bat: Yeah.
Bigal: Do you honestly think the residents of Florida did get it wrong or was it just a lie?
Fat Bat: I think...I think part and part...I think having looked at one of these voting things with all these "Chad's", impregnated, pregnant etc etc it does look a bit complicated, but...the typical IQ of a Floridan Americans is pretty low anyway.
Bigal: Ok. Next question.....we're asking everybody....what's your favourite sporting memory of 2000?
Fat Bat: Sporting memory of 2000.....well I have a load.
Bigal: You have a load.
Fat Bat: Yeah.
Bigal: Narrow it down to one.
Fat Bat: Narrow it down to one?
Bigal: I haven't got space for it here...
Fat Bat: Well, I mean....Coultard...Coultard winning Silverstone on St...a scot on St Georges day.....what is going on there? Redgrave winning gold, well, that was always gonna happen...
Bigal: Were you certain of that?
Fat Bat: Yeah.
Bigal: Ha. Ok.
Fat Bat: ...England beating Germany in Euro 2000? That was very unlikely. I'm sup...
Bigal: So, you've got a top three....
Fat Bat: ..and England winning three test series back to back...bloody hell, what is going on?
Bigal: The world's gone mad.
Fat Bat: The world has gone mad indeed.
Bigal: Ok....favouriten normal memory from 2000?
Fat Bat: (Sighs)
Bigal: From everyday life...it could be...why don't just say.....narrow it down to something around the office.
Fat Bat: Round the office.
Bigal: Round the School..?
Fat Bat: (silence for a sec) Having myself mentioned on the website.
Bigal: Ok...yeah, that all happened this year....quite shocking.
Fat Bat: It did, quite shocking indeed.
Bigal: Heres an interesting question: Are you a faggot?
Fat Bat: Well what does one define as a faggott?
Bigal: I think that clears that one up.
Fat: Yes indeed.
Bigal: Ok. Just read this for me: (Bigal hands Fat the notepad with questions on it.)
Fat: "Do you sympathize with the main beliefs of Marxism or are you more of a functionalist, believing everything in society has a function, driving towards the goodness and...." What does that say?
Al: ..."Purity".
Fat: ..."and purity of a harmonious society?"
(Silence)
Al: I'd like an answer.
Fat: You'd like an answer. (Sigh) I'd...I...I'd say I'm um.....
Al: You gonna....
Fat:.....at...at this particular point in umm....moment in time, I would've thought I'm probably half way between the two. Most...
Al: So, firmly fence between the buttocks then...
Fat: Yeah...I mean most...most things do have their fundimental......roles within society which leads to a good society.
Al: Do you believe everything in society is functional towards an underlying goal? For example, crime, being functional by providing an example to deviants?
Fat: Yeah, I mean, without crime and the punishment that goes with it you wouldn't have detterants and you wouldn't have the....you wouldn't necessarely have the re-habil...itation schemes that you do.
Al: True. Good answer. Heres a good question: just how much do you eat?
Fat: How much do I...?
Al: Eat. (Fat sniggers)
Fat: Well how much do you...?
Al: No, lets have it in terms of kg a day.
Fat: An average trip to BK would consist of er.....two 16oz burgers.....so you're looking at probably umm.....in a days eating...probably half my body weight.
Al: Ummmm....
Fat: Which, for those of you who can't work out, my body weight is about 50 Stone.
Al: You're lying....
Fat: Ok...
Al: ...even you're not that Fat.
Fat: ...about 15.
Al: Finally, before I go get another coffee, are you as boring and mindless as most people think?
Fat: Of course not. Most people who do not really know me...would have no understanding that I am actually a very intellectual, interesting.....
Al: You mean people who read the website.
Fat: .....person. Yeah. (Laughs)
Al: Ok. Stop it there. I need a coffee.
(Bigal and Fat Bat take a brief break.)
Al: Ok, cracking on, are the recent floods due to global warming or are they just a spooky co-incedence?
Fat: I think, I mean....spooky coincedence, yes, because Britain never gets this bloody weather....well, I mean, only in June, when it's always the wettest month..
Al: This is typical English weather!
Fat: Yeah, for June not for...
Al: You mean the summer months?
Fat: Yeah, not in the winter.
Al: Ha.
Fat: Global warming? Well, what the f*ck's global warming got to do with it? Everybody's producing to much emissions and everybody's gonna blow the atmosphere up sooner rather than later so...ohh, f*ck it.
Al: Ok. Langauge Fat. Moderate.
Fat: Shi...
Al: Ok. Opinions on William Hague and Tony Blair.
Fat: Tony Blair: what can you say about him that already isn't said? With his cheesy grin...
Al: Big ears...
Fat: ....and his everybody loves me idea of himself he's this country's equivalent of Bill Clinton: he can't...
Al: What?
Fat: ...Bill Clinton can't keep it in his trousers, whereas Blair can't get it out of his head.
Al: And William Hague.
Fat: William Hague. Well.....not the kind of geezer you want as Prime Minister...John Major was a bit like him really.....great, great man, but just not the right man for the job. But he's got reasonable ideas on Europe and telling them where to stick it.
Al: Don't you think it's true that he just naturally says the opposite to Blair because he's the leader of the opposition party?
Fat: Well, partially, but I think he belives that anyway.
Al: What do you think of the current goverment?
Fat: Oh, the current Labour Government. Promised money to education, look where thats got us: stuck...stuck us in this place, trying to do poncy interviews.
Al: How did that get us here?
Fat: (Laughs) Well, if they'd given us better money for education we would've had Burger King on....on the school site. And also the NHS. (Silence) You go in and have an op under d'arrrgh (sighs).....its just...it takes you six weeks to get an appointment with your doctor.
Al: Thats an exaggeration.
Fat: Well, no, it's at least three weeks with mine.
Al: Really?
Fat: Orraww. (?)
Al: Does it really take that long?
Fat: Anything up to three weeks.
Al: Is there only like, one doctor in your...
Fat: No, it's a proper practice. It's only down the road from us.
Al: Ok. Most embarassing thing thats ever happened to you.
Fat: Well....I suppose in some sense it's got to be a bit like Vesten "P*rn King" Tit-Hewl, supposedly accused of looking up p*rn on the net. However, unlike Vesten.....I decided to protest my innocence for a day or two, give up, never go on the net ag...carry on with the...using the net but....whereas Vesten he either won't use the net cuz he's frightened of getting caught or, whenever he goes on the net thats all he ever does. The other incident I suppose could be is when I was standing at a urinal in a public shopping center toilet facility and my phone went off.
Al: Typical.
Fat: Typical.
Al: Umm...ok. Who's better looking: Prince William or David Mellor?
Fat: Personally from my opinion, being a bloke, I'm not gonna say anything that sounds offensive......but David Mellor.....he's only good for one thing....606 on the radio. Prince William....well....he's alright.
Al: Mmm.....cleans toilets I believe, now, which leads nicely into the next question: do you believe that Prince William should be scrubbing toilets?
Fat: Yeah. Just because he's a Prince doesn't mean he shouldn't be doing what everybody does, and in answer to the previous question I am not emplying that I am homosexu*l, thankyou.
Al: Thats good.
Fat: (Laughs)
Al: So, just out of interest, if you heard that Prince William was offering toilet cleaning services, would you invite him to clean your toilet?
Fat: Well...(Sighs)..not specifically, but if there was a number of people within my...my house that said they wouldn't mind han...tut...uh...helping out doing this, that and the other and someone said "oh, I'll clean the toilet for you" the obviously I'd let em'.
Al: Bizarre question. Ok. Rate Beckham out of ten.
Fat: Rate Beckham out of ten. (Sighs) For his ability with the public, and the media and his looks, minus ten, for his intelligence in marrying his wife who's a lot thicker than him, nine, because then, even though it makes him look thick she's actually thicker than him....so he can't be that bad....and for his great footballing talents he's up there along....just behind the likes of Best, Cryuff, Pele....and Beckenbauer so....overall, 8, 9.
Al: So you're saying his footballing talents outway his stupidity?
Fat: Oh yeah, by far. Especially as he plays for the greatest club in the world. And no, I don't mean England.
Al: You're obviously a fan then.
Fat: Of course.
Al: So, have you ever considered wearing thongs, like he does?
Fat: Definately not.
Al: Good. Right, moving on, have you ever considered buying a Cliff Richard record? (spookily enough "Mistletoe and Wine" was actually playing in the background at this point)
Fat: I've never considered buying one, I mean, I've just gone out and brought them on occasion.
Al: Never considered it then....
Fat: No. Not....not just for me, I mean..
Al: .....act first regret later...
Fat: Yeah, I've only brought one or two for personal consumption so to speak....well personal use...but err...
Al: ...you do realise CD's arn't actually for eating?
Fat: Yeah of course.
(Silence)
Al: Ermmm....what will your new years resolution be?
Fat: (Sighs) To do another interview next year.
Al: Right. "Railway services: Best in Britain" do you agree?
Fat: Well, seeing as their the only bloody services in Britain they've got to be, but, compare it with anywhere else and they're total crap. Railtrack, can't even organize a p*ss-up in a brewery in rail terms.
Al: What is a p*ss-up in a brewery in rail terms?
Fat: Getting a train t.....getting a train service that runs on time, all of the time. But I mean.....its just absolute crap. Delaying the trains bloody....it took some geezer 20 odd hours just to go from John O'Groats to Lands End and they said that it was only going at a speed 1mph faster than The Rocket.....see how far we've progressed since then.
Al: Thats quite slow.
Fat: Very Slow.
Al: Incredably slow. You study theology right?
Fat: Yep.
Al: So give us your view on God.
Fat: God. Well....God's the greatest thing. He loved us all so much to make us all come back to him he gave us his son. Theologically speaking, one could assume that God understood everything beforehand which he did and would....er....already have pre-planned this.
Al: This interview?
Fat: Yeah, this interview.
Al: The devil then?
Fat: Well, thats were Man Utd get their nickname from, "The Red Devils" thats cuz they...
Al: That wasn't particulary about Man Utd.
Fat: Well, it's cuz their quality, but no, but the devil....well, very evil geezer. He loves inflicting pain.
Al: Worldly obsessions, ie. Britney Spears and Man Utd?
Fat: Well, most men obviously like Britney Spears because well, we can all go there in your imagination. Man Utd, well, there the world's greatest football team. Ahh my life, with Beckham on the right, Giggsy on the left no-ones gonna beat em'.
Al: Over 21's in the Church?
Fat: Over 21's in the Church? Waste of time.
Al: (Laughs) Very uncontroversial as usual. Ok, final question: what would you rather do: go to university or go to Burger King?
Fat: Both. Go to a university with a built in Burger King, either across the road or on site.
Al: So your ideal university would be one with a BK built in?
Fat: Yeah.
Al: Ok. Thanks.
Fat: Thank you.

And with that, the two sodden figures get up and walk out, back to the office........

Hope you all liked!

Until next week,

Best Christmas wishes,

BigAl

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