This Week In The Office XVIII

Act 1: INTRO-STYLEE BIT

Hello everyone. So nice to see you. I do mean that, just in case you doubted my sincerity. Anyway, as you can tell, from the bold headline just above this bit, from now on this article will be taking on a new, “tidy” look. I don’t know if everyone will like this, and I sure as hell haven’t asked the permission of anyone else on the team, but its my article, so if I want to take it in new and….er….exciting directions, then hey, its my choice.

Anyway, from now on, the first paragraph will be called the Intro-Stylee Bit (Latin name), and will be mostly made up of me rambling on about the changes I have made. Just as I’ve been doing so far. Yeah, anyway, and the rest of the article will be split into Acts to make ease of reading. That and to make it look more professional.

Act 2: FOCUS ON ….

This section, entitled Focus On…will Focus On the main thing I want to write about every week. That was a cunning dummy to introduce you to the idea. Here’s the real one….

Act 2: FOCUS ON…. THE TALE OF JOSEPH AND THE GAY MAN

You lot first heard of Joseph “I’m a lazy, moaning, boring, stupid moron” Hayward when I mentioned him last week. I said, it memory serves, that he had left. Well, he has, but it seems that now that there is rather more to this story than there first seemed.

You see, it seems that not only has Joseph has not only left us (Nick “Munky” Miles did this too…..and Doosh “I can’t think of anything to say about him now” Dushman did the same the year previous…do I see a pattern emerging?), but it seems he has lost of the one brain cell I believe he was in possession of when I last saw him. Rumour, you see, has it that he “eloped” as it were. Only not “eloped” in a normal manner (Joseph never does anything in a normal manner). Oh no, Joseph has apparently left and is now living with a man aged 35-40 (depending on the source you hear the rumour from) in Nottingham/Birmingham/Manchester or wherever (again, the location depends on the source). This man is, get this, his gay lover!!!!!

Well, there you have it. Remember, you heard it officially here first.

Act 3: Elsewhere in the Office this week…

You must know roughly what this section of the article looks like by now. Here you go then…

• THE LANG BECOMES A REBEL: The Lang, my main rival for the attention of each of you little statistics, has now made a remarkable transition from “nice dude” to “hooligan-style dude”. Yes, The Lang has both a leather coat and a new haircut. The haircut being a skinhead. I’ll do a little section called Deviant Behaviour With The Lang from next week onwards to document the criminal acts he must surely now commit.
• WEBMASTER GOES MAD: The Webmaster lost it. He was heard muttering “De resistance, De resistance” in a pseudo-French accent many times over with much enthusiasm.
• FAT BAT: PARANORMAL? : In a bizarre supernatural incident, Fat Bat showed remarkable powers of telekinesis, causing his bag to fall on the floor from the other side of the room.
• FAT BAT BATTERS: Twenty seconds later, Fat Bat battered The Webmaster and myself multiple times around the head area with his considerably sized collection of chequebooks.
• LE DOOSH BUNGS EMAIL: Le Doosh bunged up my Yahoo! Email account with record numbers of annoying and pointless forwards.
• FAT BAT INDORSES BUDWIESER: Fat Bat, having shocked me by heeding my advice and purchasing a new mobile phone a couple of weeks back, shocked me even further by his purchase of a new cover for aforementioned phone. It’s a “Wussup!” Bud cover. Fool.
• I SCREW LOU: I gave my mate Lou a screw on the bus. Literally. Think about it. Well, I thought it was funny.
• MR G-SINGS: Mr G (Name changed to protect), sung during form time. Rather loudly. And badly.
• WEBMASTER ADMITS COLORFUL [Correct spelling please, we're English DAMNIT! - Ed] OBSESSION: The Webmaster admitted an obsession with the colour green. You can probably see evidence of this in the appalling colour of the new title in the heading bar on this very web site. The entire web team are so heartily sick of his obsession with greens in varying obtuse and sickening hues that we implore, nay, beg, on our knees at your very feet, that you might hop along to the homepage and send an abusive email (but not too abusive - I’ll get the sack) telling him where to stick his greens and to CHANGE THE COLOUR! Thank you kindly. [Don't bother, it's already done - Ed]

Act 4: THE END

As you can probably guess, this is where I say bye.

So bye already.

BIGal

Act 4 Part B Subheading D Section 4(a) Paragraph(s) 1-110 (inclusive): THE BIT WITH A POINTLESS TITLE ADDED, AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT (LIKE FAT’S BRAIN), WHEN I WAS BORED AND I DECIDED YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT’S COMING NEXT WEEK

HA! Foolish, insignificant fools! You thought I’d gone, didn’t you? Well you’re wrong. Coming up next week in TWITO:

• School reports for the entire team (except, as far as I know, Doosh)!
• School parents evening: a special report thereof!
• Revealed: The world’s worst ever stick-man diagram (if I can get The Webmaster to quit with the green and scan something into his PC for me)!
• Deviant Behaviour With The Lang: an entire new section dedicated to The Lang’s new lifestyle.
• More of Fat Bat (plus, I believe, some pics)!
• More of Vesten “P*rn-King” Tit-Hewl (if he actually does anything interesting next week)!
• And an in-depth analysis by a leading psychologist on the Webmaster’s Obsession with green. Maybe.
• And finally more of me writing more of this!

See you next week,

BigAl

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