Today at the Office II

I’ve decided that from now on this article will be called "This week in the Office", quite simply because it will cover a week’s worth of stuff as opposed to a day. Thanx.

Oh boy, am I happy to be away from the fools that constantly surround me at that ‘school’ of mine during the week. No, really I am. What’s that? I don’t sound happy? Well, my dear friend, you have much to learn in the ways of the Fat Bat winder-upper. Teach you I shall. Difficult will it be. Ummm.

I really am dreadfully sorry. That last section of that line was ment to sound like the character of Yoda from Star Wars.

Today at the office we had the unusual treat of seeing Barrett make an even bigger ass of himself as he managed to beat his own personal in terms of food eaten in a short space of time. It all started, as normally happens, with Barrett and I and Nick leaving school for a couple of hours to get lunch in the town, usually in Burger King. In fact, if Barrett has ever just gone down to town and you don’t know where to find him, just look in Burger King or maybe McDonalds (less likely than Burger King because he manages to wind himself up when he orders food in McDonalds - the number of times he’s complained to that place is unreal - so unreal that I don’t think they take him seriously anymore) and you will be sure to find him. Nick managed to prove this fact the other day when he wanted to find me and Fat Bat in the town. He firstly went to all the credible places that I might have gone to, ie Our Price, and when he couldn’t find us, thought about where Fat might go. Ah!! He thought, and headed for Burger King and sure enough, standing there at the counter ordering his usual was the Fat Git himself. We laughed. Rauciously. Anyway, back to the story.

"Look, it says pull, but you can push them." Barrett remarked gravely as we opened the doors to Burger King. Me and Nick sighed. Bat says this every time we go through these doors.
"Yeah, like I said to Terry and Pete last time we were down here, ‘it says pull, something you can’t do!’." Barrett said. We sighed again. He says this every time as well. We walked up to the counter, ordered our food and took it downstairs. We sat in our usual position in the corner, where Barrett managed somehow to break the seat when he sat on it once. It is still not fixed, and that was six months ago now.
"Look ‘Lex," Barrett said, shaking the seat "I don’t f*cking believe it. They still haven’t fixed the seat." He says this every time as well. I'm sorry if this is getting repetitive, but thus is life with Fat.
"Fat, don’t do that, its dangerous." I muttered, knowing it was a mistake.
"Yeah, well, I’ll sue em’ for loadsa money, mate, its against health and safety. And look at this," Barrett pointed to the wall, where three months earlier he had squashed a sauce sachet and sprayed it up the wall. "There’s stuff growing here." I peered in the low light at what was indeed mould on the little spots of ketchup. I doubted that it would bother me and my lunch and continued.
"Shut up, man. It won’t hurt you," I told him, and to shut him up added "so, how is life?"
"Well, you know, stuff" Barrett mumbled, and became ingrossed in the food he was eating.

Barrett finished his food in a remarkable time of just under thirty seconds, and proceded for the next fifteen minutes to try to get me and Nick to hurry up.
"So, where next?" Nick asked to no-one in particular.
"Somewhere were I can get some food." Barrett said. Me and Nick stopped in our tracks.
"Barrett, it may have evaded you’re small and feeble brain, but we just ate." I retorted.
"Yeah, but I’m still hungry." Barrett replied, and dragged us into Woolworths on the way back to school and proceded to purchase the store’s entire stock of chocolate, which he devoured swiftly, and we made our way back to school, somewhat bemused.

Upon arrival, it was the start of the lunch break, and after sitting and having a monologue with myself whilst Barrett watched, he disappeared somewhere. Proberbly gone to the toilet, and we all know what he does in there, I thought. But no. No. Fat returned with an armload of new food from the school canteen, and devoured that with enthusiasm. Oh dear. And all this from the man who filled in an application to Allsports for a job saying that he was "Sporty" and "liked exercising".

Thus the record for the most amount of food consumed in a straight hour for this week goes to sir Fat Bat.

Elsewhere in the office today:

And finally, quote of the week goes to Nick, otherwise known as ‘Monkey’:
"The sun goes behind a cloud at night."


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