This Week In The Office XX: The 2001 W.E.B.P.A.P.E.R Awards Special

Act 1: INTRO-STYLEE BIT

Welcome……….

Act 2: FOCUS ON…. BIGAL’s VERY UNOFFICIAL 2001 W.E.B.P.A.P.E.R AWARDS

As you people may have realised, being perceptive as you are, I have invented an unofficial 2001 Web Paper Awards for this weeks article. Yes, you see, it’s half term, and what with the Grammy’s and the Brits coming I was feeling left out of the award action. Plus, I also had nowt to write about this week. So hear you go. BigAl’s VERY unofficial 2001 W.P. Awards. I should warn you at this juncture that all of these awards will be biased (despite the fact that I will try not to let that happen). Just so you all know. Now move along.

Anyhoo, we’ll kick off the proceedings with the Best Article Award, then. Very prestigious, this. Four Nominees. Just one winner. And none of Judy Whatsername’s cleavage.

Best Article Award: Nominees

  • 1. Michael “The Lang” Langan: Article “Abandon Hope All Who Enter Here Number 1”. The first EVER instalment of The Lang’s brilliant website series.
  • 2. Michael “The Lang” Langan: Article “Abandon Hope All Who Enter Here Christmas Special”. In my opinion, EASILY the best of the Christmas Specials, absolutley hilarious: I laughed so hard when I read it I got chucked out of the Library.
  • 3. Andrew “Le Doosh” Dushman: The “Life On The Other Side Of The Pond Presidential Election Specials”. And wonderfully funny, yet strangely informative, look at the biggest farce of 2000.
  • 4. Alex “BigAl” Law: “This Week In The Office Christmas Special 2000: A Chat With Fat Bat”. Need I say anymore?

And The Winner is…..Michael “The Lang” Langan for “Abandon Hope All Who Enter Here Christmas Special”. I’m afraid it just has to win. No, wait, I’m not afraid at all. It deserves it.

Worst Article Award: Nominees

  • 1. Steve “Steve” Steve: All of his old sports stuff. So boring I got chucked out of the library for snoring and sleeping on the PC keyboards.
  • 2. Alex “BigAl” Law: Any of the “This Week Not In The Office” Articles. Yes, a letdown of monumental proportions. I’m sorry.
  • 3. Alex “BigAl” Law: “Al’s Article”. Very lame. Once more, I’m sorry.

And the winner is….well, there can only be one winner…Steve, step up, my friend, and I just hope that all your new stuff is better, otherwise you won’t be on the team to witness next year’s awards.

Twat of The Year Award: Well, I don’t even need to nominate for this one…FAT BAT, I’m looking at you.

Laziest Website contributor award: I’m giving this one to the Webmaster and myself jointly. The Webmaster deserves it for not updating on many occasions when he clearly had time to, I mean it’s not as if he leads a bustling social life or anything, to put it bluntly, is it? I deserve it for simply not writing enough articles. If I had actually written one every week since this series started, there would be far more laughs to had for you poor, sad, people (no offence) reading this at home. I’ll try harder in future. Promise.

Weirdest Office Event: Nominees

  • 1. Vesten “I wouldn’t know a nude women if one sat on my lap in a boring computing lesson P*rn-King” Tit-Hewl: For the now infamous internet p*rn during computing lessons incident.
  • 2. Fat Bat: For pulling. And staying in a relationship with aforementioned pull-ee for a rather immense amount of time, actually. And still not splitting up.
  • 3. Joseph “I’m a lazy, moaning, boring, stupid moron” Hayward: for eloping with a gay man. (see last 2 weeks articles)

And the winner is….Vesten “P*rn-King” Tit-Hewl and the internet p*rn incident. Simply because it provided me with not only a new character to put in my weekly shindig, but also a few long, protruded laughs.

A Special LifeTime Achievement Award: Goes to Nick “Munky” Miles because he has achieved…well, nothing really. Well done.

Well, this is boring me now. I could have come up with countless awards (theoretical, of course) to “give out”, but unfortunately I have a remarkably short attention span (not as short, however, as Fat Bat’s). So I’ll stop this there.

One thing. Keep an eye (just the one) open for the Official WebPaper Awards, which should, with luck, be appearing in these very pages very soon, if I can convince the Webmaster to actually host them.

Act 3(a): Elsewhere in the Office this week…

EXCLUSIVE! Webmaster: is he an alcoholic?: In a shocking incident on late Wednesday night, the Webmaster sent me the following email. Warning: the contents of this email may be shocking. On the other hand, they may not. I’ll leave it to you to find out.


Hi it's chris.
I'm in warwick uni at the moment and seeing double 'cause my brother bought me lots of drinks (alcohol)
see ya sometime,.(when i can think again!)

chris


Yes, it seems, dear readers, that we are seeing the demise of a truly wonderful young man. Or maybe I’m reading too much into this. Anyway, it seems The Webmaster has finally discovered the joys of consuming multiple alcoholic beverages in consecutiveness in one evening. I’ll keep you updated.

Act 3(b): Deviant Behaviour With The Lang

Hmmm….after careful consideration, I have come to the informed conclusion that I have nothing to write about in this section.

Act 4: THE END

Goodbyeee.

Thankyou so much.

BIGal

Act 4 Part B Subheading D Section 4(a) Paragraph(s) 1-110 (inclusive): THE BIT WITH A POINTLESS TITLE ADDED, AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT (LIKE FAT’S BRAIN), WHEN I WAS BORED AND I DECIDED YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT’S COMING NEXT WEEK

HA! Foolish, insignificant fools! You thought I’d gone again, didn’t you? Well you’re wrong. And I’ve caught you out three weeks running now with that trick. Coming up next week in TWITO:

Well, I have to go now.

See you next week,

BigAl


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