This Week In The Office XXIII

Act 1: INTRO-STYLEE BIT

Hi.

Welcome once more, to this weeks little fruity slice of humour and assorted stupidity from the Website (or ‘Webster’, as my spell check seems hell bent on telling me) team. It seems, followers, that I myself seem to be on a roll. So much has happened already this week (as I write this intro, it’s only about 2:30pm on Wednesday) that for the first time in ages I feel confident enough be able to start the article today.

Anyways, you don’t want to know that, do you? So I’ll just get on with it.

Act 2: FOCUS ON…. ANTI-CLIMAX DAY: FAT BAT & BIRD’S FIRST ANNIVERSARY

Yes, it’s that time of the year. I was going to say “it’s that time of the year again”, then I realised that Fat Bat and Bird have not had a (yearly) anniversary before.

Yep, this week saw the first anniversary of…ahm…love between Fat Bat and his Bird. We were all expecting large things of a celebratory fashion for this occasion, but instead they opted for the minimalist approach to anniversaries. That is to say that there were no obvious celebrations of any kind. I was thus intrigued to know the reason why there was nothing special going on. So I got this official statement from Fat Bat: actually, that can be a subheading.

OFFICIAL STATEMENT OF RELATIONSHIP UPDATE AND GOING’S ON - DIRECT FROM THE MOUTH OF FAT

(It’s in a style similar to the Christmas interview, because what with him being Fat and all if I didn’t prompt him with questions he would just go blank.)
Me: So, on this day of jubilation, celebration and (fight) instigation, just what are you feeling?
Fat: (Strokes chin in a playful and somewhat alarming manner) What does one normally feel? (“Smokes” chocolate by pretending to draw on it like a fag [in more than one way] and then moves to punch BigAl, but gets blocked.)
Me: What are you doing to celebrate?
Fat: Some big event next month.
Me: But your anniversary is today?
Fat: Yeah…
Me: So why not today then?
Fat: Cuz we’re both broke.
Me: Anything else you want to add?
Fat: No.
Me: No special message for your bird?
Fat: No. (Looks around, chocolate in his hand ready to be “smoked” again.) Got a light?

Well, there you have it. Basically, neither Fat nor his Bird have enough money to aid joy via interesting means (i.e. dinner out etc.) so they are going to do something when they do have money. I’ll give you an update when this happens.

Act 3(a): Elsewhere in the Office this week…

• FAT BAT ANNOUNCES QUICK FAST!: On Monday, in a quite gobsmacking incident of unexpectedness, Fat Bat announced that he would be performing a 72hr fast for charity next week. That is to say that he will not consume any food for 72hrs. No food whatsoever. Good grief. Full coverage next week.
• WEBMASTER - IS HE GOING DEAF?: Also on Monday, The Webmaster misheard “You lamer” as “New Labour” and launched into a huge political rant. Which was nice.
• VESTEN IN “I’M FUNNY” SCANDAL: Also, amazingly, on Monday, Vesten “P*rn-King” Tit-Hewl made a joke in a particulary boring computing lesson. It wasn’t that funny. In fact, I don’t think it was funny at all. I can’t even remember what it was.
• WEBMASTER REVEALS ALL: About The Lang, that is. On Tuesday morning, The Webmaster revealed that The Lang is actually a Jedi Master. I don’t believe this, and until I see a light sabre to prove it I refuse to even consider it as fact [At which point, the webmaster waved his hand and said "You WILL believe", BigAl replies in monotoneus voice "I WILL believe". So that's settled then! - Ed].
• FAT BAT DENOUNCES QUICK FAST: On Tuesday, after careful considerations and after seeking detailed advice from various “medical associates”, Fat Bat dropped the length of next week’s food fast to 50hrs. Place you’re bets now on how long he will manage.
• SLOW GO FOR SCHOOL INTERNET CONNECTION: It took us a new record time of 12min 08secs 52ms just to load the home page of this very site from school. Shocking.
• CRAZY DOOSH STATEMENT CIRCA 1999 FOUND ON VESTEN’S PENCIL CASE: It read: “Doosh loves the Vengaboys.” Oh dear God. Yet he has the cheek to call Metallica “sell-outs”?
• DOOSH SELLS OUT ON SELL OUT STATEMENT: Doosh has tipped me over the edge of the Cliff (pardon the pun: you’ll understand if you’re a Metallica fan) with his “Metallica are sell-outs” comments. I will crush him. In my fist. Maybe.
• FAT BAT WANTS NEW NAME: Yes, Fat Bat has appealed for me to change his name to “Fatt Batt” on the site. I will not obey this order. It is quite simply the work of a twat in action. Sorry. “FATT BATT” BATTERS CURTAIN IN RAGE: Shortly after informing me about the name change he wishes for, Fat Bat pulled down a curtain then claimed: “I do it all the time at home”. Which is interesting, it must be said.

Act 3(b): Deviant Behaviour With The Lang

• Felony 5: Still involved in Mob war. No sign of voice box yet.

Act 4: THE END

Until the week that is next in linear tradition,

Thankyou and goodnight!

BIGal

Act 4 Part B Subheading D Section 4(a) Paragraph(s) 1-110 (inclusive): THE BIT WITH A POINTLESS TITLE ADDED, AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT (LIKE FAT’S BRAIN), WHEN I WAS BORED AND I DECIDED YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT’S COMING NEXT WEEK

Tee-hee. Absent minded imbeciles! You thought I’d gone, didn’t you? Well, actually, you’re correct.

Bye

BIGal

Ps. I’ve given up on telling you what’s coming up, cuz I never get it all done. I told you that last week, but in case you haven’t seen last week’s article, I thought I’d repeat myself now. So there. Bye.

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