This Week In The Office XXV

Act 1: INTRO-STYLEE BIT

Hullo.

Did any of you ever read any of the those cheesy “Just William” Books? Well, in those the kids always used to greet each other by saying “hullo” instead of “hello”. I don’t know if they had a speech impediment or what, that’s just the way they talked, ok? Now leave me alone.

With such crazed meandering we shall wander down the page, methinks…

Act 2: FOCUS ON…A STATISTICAL NIGHTMARE: OUR STATS PAGE

Ok guys, the games up. No use hiding it anymore. We know. I mean, we know. We know everything about you all. We know that some of you poor sods, in the era of the flatscreen high-res colour monitor, are still viewing this site on a monochrome display. Why? Get a good PC, my friend, please, and join us in the world of colour. I bet whoever the Monochrome man is also listens “to the wireless” and watches black and white TV as well. Anyway, it’s a crime! In this day and age!

We also know all about your sordid little (visiting) habits. I know, for example, that 16.7 % of you all like to visit the site at 10:00. Sick people you! And what about those perverted 4.7% who come at 23:00!! Outrageous!

Anyway, if you’re sitting there at home reading this and wondering what the heck is going down on the site, then I’ll explain. A while back (last July, I think) the then website team, which consisted of just me and The Webmaster at that point, stumbled randomly upon a pretty little site called “Stats 4 All”. This site, we found after reading the text on the page, was a site to which one signed up for an account (pleasingly free of charge) at, and then bunged a load of little links on your pages which allowed the lovely people at Stats 4 All to collate data about your visitors, for you to view at your leisure. Never one to pass up the opportunity of getting something for nothing, I signed us up, and thus we entered a dizzying world inhabited by weird mathematical signs like “%” (what is that all about?) and stereotypical computer geeks who are generally named Jeff or Malcom, are walking heart attacks, watch far to much Star Trek than is healthy, and who tend to chat over coffee about “Nodes” and “Co-Axial Node lead Conflabuatory errors”. Not deterred by this, I have since discovered the joy of stats and thought I’d share a few with you nice understanding folk now:

• The most popular day to visit the site is Monday, with a percentage of 21.1 of you visiting. This is only rivalled in terms of percentage by Thursday, which has 19.1%, and Tuesday (17.7%) and Wednesday (17.1%) are more or less equal. The more perceptive of you will have noticed that the top two days (Monday and Thursday) are the days after the days on which the new update is up for the first time.
• The least popular day for visitors is Saturday, with an incredible low of just 4.1%.
• In terms of time of visit, it’s a runaway win for 10:00 in the morning, with a huge 16.4%. This may not seem huge, but it is when you consider that the highest % of all the other 24hours is 7.8% (11:00am).
• I think I should mention the mad 1.7% of you who have visited the site at midnight. Well done.
• Our most successful month ever was last December, during which we had 888 hits on the site. Second to that is actually March, with 729 hits.
• Our least successful month (not counting the first 3 months because the site was still developing) was January, during which we only got 271 hits, stark contrast considering the 888 we had the month before. I assume people were hung over for the entirety of January due to New Year’s parties.
• Our busiest day ever was 27/11/00, on which we had 149 hits. I expect that to be beaten in April, understand?
• This month, the best day we had was 26th when we had 80 hits. I believe that was last Monday, which makes it the best day this week as well. Thank you.
• Our weekly average is 145 hits, our daily average is currently 24 hits and our monthly average is a measly 494. If you wanted to go right down to hourly visits I could tell you that too. But I wont.
• In terms of sections of the website, the most overwhelming thing that I see is that the most visited section of the website by a LONG way is this very one: TWITO has had 274 hits, Steve’s Sports Section incredibly is second on 169, Le Doosh is next with 98 and Lang, somehow, is last with only 86. Give him more! Acknowledge his genius!
• Articles wise, TWITO heads the pile once more, episodes 13 and 14 doing equally well on 41 hits each, then next up is The Lang’s 1st article, which was doing better than my episode 13 when it first got onto the chart, but has recently slipped and has only 35 hits as a result. Doosh comes in next with this excellent presidential special, which has 31 hits.
• The final content piece on the chart is the News section, which is currently holding up my episode 15 from entering, as it is on 28 hits.

Act 3(a): Elsewhere in the Office this week…

• BIGAL’S BAND CHANGE NAME: In rash moment last week, I announced my band’s name as Limp Phish. However, this has now changed. Hey, now, don’t blame me if you already had “LIMP PHISH FOREVER” T-shirts printed, I did warn you it might not stick. The name for this week, until someone comes up with something nicer, is Phat Biscuit, which is a rip off of the same two bands I mentioned last week, but switched cunningly around. Other names moving in the rumour mill this week included Nehemiah, which wasn’t a bad attempt at a good name. Keep it up guys, I’m sure it’ll come in the end.
• FAT BAT KEEPS QUIET IN A WEEK OF SHOCK: Well, unfortunately I have nothing to comment on about Fat Bat this week, simply because he actually kept shockingly quiet for the entire week. I don’t know why this is. Don’t ask me.
• FAT BAT PRINTS EXTRAVAGANTLY: Ok, so he wasn’t completely quiet, the only thing he did that was worth note was on Tuesday when he somehow managed to accidentally print a large number of internet pages out by accident, angering the Librarian, who is currently in the midst of a particularly violent war with The Webmaster and the rest of the team over our freedom of speech in the library.
• LANG&LIBRARIAN - FATAL ATTRACTION?: There seems to be a rumour going around that on Wednesday afternoon, while he was photocopying some important documents with Vesten in the Library, the second (the one we are not at war with…yet) librarian and The Lang took part in some form of “mutual interaction”. Whether this was just talking, more or Vesten lying again is not at this point known, however The Lang has been the brunt of many “Go on my son” and “think you’ve pulled, mate” jokes during the latter half of the week. We shall see.
• DOOSH PRODUCES TWO FANTASTIC ARTICLES: The last two weeks have seen the rebirth of Le Doosh as a great article writer. I commend you for this, my friend. And if you lot haven’t yet seen either of them, I recommend you do.

Act 3(b): Deviant Behaviour With The Lang

• Felony 7: Me dropping this section, as of next week. I admit it, I have been outclassed by the superior brain of a criminal mastermind.

Act 4: THE END

Until we next meet, dear friends:

Thankyou and goodnight!

BIGal

Act 4 Part B Subheading D Section 4(a) Paragraph(s) 1-110 (inclusive): THE BIT THAT DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST ANYMORE

Hint in the title perhaps? (See above) (Next week this’ll be gone, so if you haven’t said your goodbyes, I suggest you do so now. You have been warned.)

Ps. Act 4 will next week be the start of a new section to this article, in which I shall indulge you all with my ornate love of music of all kinds. Except Country and Western….how can that be music?

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