THE FINAL (EVER!!!!) This Week In The Office

Act 1: INTRO-STYLEE BIT

Woe is me, woe is me….for the end hath cometh….and I sound like I’m writing with a lithp now…anyway, read on and enjoy the last ever (typically very late) TWITO. Oh, and I made it a two part special, being as it is the end. The second part is a new version of an old article…but more on that later…

Act 2: FOCUS ON…THE VERY END. PERIOD.

Well, my dear friends, the end has finally come. Yes, I know this article is very late, but I’ve been in denial about the whole TWITO ending thing for the last three weeks and couldn’t bring my shaking hands to press the appropriate mouse button to send this to The Webmaster. But hey, it’s here now, so who’s complaining? Apart from Fat Bat? (He always complains, no matter where we go, what time of the month or day it is…you probably know that already)

So, here’s the thing, right: final articles, I’ve found out now, are incredibly difficult to write. I mean devilishly difficult. So do excuse this if it is like Fat Bat trying to play football…that is to say lame.

So, onwards we move, with the swiftness of The Webmaster transferring bank notes to his pocket, to the final “Elsewhere in the office…”.

Act 3(a): Elsewhere in the Office this week…

• FAT BAT’S LAST PUBLISHED STUPID COMMENT: Somewhere in the jumble of assorted meaningless rubbish that went on during our final week and a half at school, Fat Bat claimed that something (I forgot what, unfortunately) wasn’t “Appropriately necessary”. Which was nice.
• VESTEN INSULTS ME: In the tradition of many a computing lesson previous to the final one, Vesten launched yet another of his barrages of utterly non-insulting insults. He should copyright them. I mean, he even included a nonsensical insult saying that I was a gnome. What is that all about? I will have my revenge later…
• VINATAGE WEBSITE FRONT PAGE CIRCA 11 NOVEMBER 2000 FOUND CACHED ON SCHOOL NETWORK: In the very same computing lesson that Vesten called me a gnome many times, we uncovered this little gem hiding in the internet cache at school:
• MR. H SANG “ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD”: Err…I don’t actually know how that crept into my notes…moving on now…
• FAT BAT ENDS VIOLENT SPREE WITH A DING SHOT: Fat Bat reached a climax (of violence) in our final three days, attacking me in the style of a severely uncoordinated high kicking dancer, and landing a kick shockingly close to my family jewels. It very nearly jeopardised my future relationships, I’ll have you know.
• FAT BAT FOLLOWS UP DING SHOT: By telling me that I may not have kids anyway. Presumably this was an excuse as to why he aimed a kick at my privates, which I am now worried that he might have an unhealthy obsession for. No, I’m sorry, just forget I said that.

Act 3: TWITO EXCLUSIVE: VESTEN UNCOVERED

No, this is NOT a nude picture of Vesten “P*rn-King” Tit-Hewl, sorry to disappoint all the gay clubs that have been waiting for one, but it is, however, where I will hereby rubbish Vesten’s future attempts at anything remotely successful. Yes, the time has come, my friends, to reveal Vesten’s true identity to the nation. Well, that is to say those in the nation who haven’t worked it our already. Vesten “P*rn-King” Tit-Hewl is none other than….

STEVEN WHITTLE

For those who didn’t hear, Vesten “P*rn-King” Tit-Hewl is otherwise known as:

STEVEN WHITTLE

That is this guy here, in the picture:

Recognise him? He writes Steve’s Sport Section.

Yes, that’s right, Vesten “P*rn-King” Tit-Hewl writes sports articles on these very pages.

And once more, for good measure:

STEVEN WHITTLE

-That’s his name-

Good. Now find out where he lives and go and mob him. If you see him in the street, shout “P*rn-King” or “Pervert” very loudly. The joy of all this is that Steven will never know that I put this on the site because he doesn’t have an Internet connection (he’s too paranoid).

Act 4: THE END

Well, with that sobering thought I shall leave you all, forever, and jet off to a retirement mansion in New Hampshire. Maybe. You never know, I might write some more. I probably will actually.

I leave you with this from the mighty metal men of Metallica:

“Time is like a fuse, short and burning fast, Armageddon’s here, like said in the past…”

Goodbye now,

BIGal

Ps. Part 2 of this two-part finale is the long awaited synonym version of one of the earlier TWITO episodes. It’s very funny. It made The Lang, The Webmaster and myself cry with laughter in the library once. And almost caused us to get chucked out. Oh, and before I go, two last things:

STEVEN WHITTLE

And….

I HATE LIBRARIANS

Thankyou and goodnight,

BigAl

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