This Week in the Office IV

Oh good grief, its you lot again, isn’t it? Wanting to hear about some more of my "funny jaunts" in the "office" we call a school. Or maybe that’s the wrong way round. Still, dear brethren, it would be a pleasure to entertain y’all again. Keeps you all off the streets I suppose.

Fat Bat, on the other hand, is more likely to drive you into the street rather than keep you off it. His incredible ability to scare away all but the bravest (that’s me and my band of trusty followers) with just the sound of his voice still has me perplexed after goodness knows how long, actually make that too long. Far too long.

Still, not much has been happening in the office this week, apart from the usual stand up comedy (Bat stands up and everyone laughs, that is) that is Bat doing many stupid and imbecilic things. Just yesterday, for example, Fat Bat got into a fight with a chair. Yes, you did hear me right; he has this amazing ability to wind up even inanimate objects. Oh, by the way, the chair won.

So anyway, I would like to take this unusually quiet week in the office as an opportunity to regale you all with a study focusing on Fat Bat’s fighting technique.

Fat Bat is firmly from the school of thought that goes "use hands (it would be insulting to everyone else to call them fists) first and think very much later". See, at the slightest - and I do mean the slightest - passing comment that could be aimed, possibly, even minutely at him, he will lash out. I mean, we are talking extremes here folks. Even comments like "that dude over there just pulled some phat air, man" have been known to have him charge in and go "what was that about my mum" or something similarly ridiculous. However, there is no need to worry, because:

• His punches are hideously inadequate
• His intellect is so slow that if you shout "hey, there’s a flying pig behind you" he will turn around and search the sky earnestly for a half-hour.

One thing, though; avoid having any contact with the palms of his hands, as they are highly......wet. So, overall, don’t feel distressed when faced with an angry Fat: quite frankly anyone who can be beaten by a piece of furniture is not worth worrying about.

Elsewhere in the office this week:

• I got the flu for the second time in as many weeks.
• The Webmaster made another pointless phone call to me. I told him not to. Again.
• Fat Bat phoned me and spent almost the entire conversation saying "stuff" in various tones.
• I haven’t seen The Lang, so I don’t know how his ventures as a soul-searcher went.
• Steven "Porn King", who we are thinking about adding to our website team as a....sports correspondent, gave us his "trial article" (what we judge new staff on). It was boring. We cried. Then died. Then gave him a job. Oh dear.
• I put in too many bullet points.

Finally, quote of the week goes to the inimitable Fat Bat: actually, its not just one quote more like a conversation between Berge, who you will hear more about later, and Fat. Enjoy.

(Imagine the scene, Fat is reclining on yet another chair that threatens to collapse under the pressure, drinking a can of Coke. Berge is seated opposite.)
"I thought you couldn’t have normal coke, Fat?"
"Why?"
"Cos you get high when you have it!"
"Oh, I see, and why is that?" (Leans forward dangerously)
"The caffeine in it, I thought?"
"Well........." (Pauses for a while whilst he thinks) "Actually we proved that it wasn’t actually the caffeine."
"What was it then?"
(Thinks again) "Stuff."
"What stuff!"
"Stuff stuff....you know all them....things..."
(Berge laughs) "You and who discovered this?"
"Me and...you know."
"No, I don’t. You and who?"
"Me and a group of people." (Delivered with emphasising hand gestures)
"Yes, BUT WHO?"
"Me and a group of people."
"WHO?" (Fat Bat leaves the room in a mood)

Till next time,

BigAl

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