At this precise moment I’m tucking into my invisible hat, which I promised I would eat if I ever wrote an article for The Web Paper again. Of course there is no guarantee this article will ever be published on The Web Paper (they don’t have just anybody writing for the website). To be printed I have to make the Webmaster laugh at least once! If this hasn't happened by the end of this article I may be forced to resort to knock knock jokes! Still there’s no need to panic yet. I must say I was shocked to read in Lang’s column that there would be no sports reporter in the reformed Web Paper. So this has left me with a difficult decision. Should I become the new music correspondent or the new Norfolk correspondent? If it is to be the former then I can promise you an interview with the legend that is Thom Yorke. If it is to be the latter however then get ready for a fascinating article on why the tractor is, in fact, man's best friend, and in so many ways!
So it’s been three years since I last wrote an article for The Web Paper. So much has changed in this time. BigAl has become a prophet and has kicked his caffeine addiction; Doosh has become a revolutionary (or at least he’s talking like one), Lang has become madder then ever, while the Webmaster is still ignoring me (well its nice to know that some things never change)! What about me? Well I have become a little more laid back (not difficult considering I was heading for an early death due to some stress related disease), and I have also perhaps become a little more cynical and dark in my outlook (put that down to excessive amounts of time spent listening to Radiohead).
Of course small things can still annoy me. Such as however many highlighters I seem to buy, I never seem to have any. They just disappear. Honestly you’d think someone was stealing the damn things out of my drawer and selling them on for a healthy profit!
A recent craze of mine has been doing quizzes on the Internet to find out stuff I really didn’t need to know about myself. For example, my life so far would get a PG rating (which frankly seems a little tame, I’ve done lots of wild stuff damnit), if I was a Matrix character I would be Dozer - loyal and hardworking (that is so me), if I was a famous person from the past I would be Mother Theresa (its true I’m always thinking about others before myself, worryingly one of my housemates was given Hitler as his famous person), if I was a Family Guy character I would be Lois (that’s the mother of the family, how I ended up with her I just don’t know)! For some reason, unknown to even myself, I took a women’s quiz to find out how desirable a woman I am, and it turns out I’m sexy lady who just hasn’t realised it yet (well they say that, but I’ve always had my suspicions)!
Well, as I can no longer talk to you about sport, perhaps I can impart some of the wisdom I have gathered from my time at University (run, run now while you have the chance)! Anyway here’s some things I have learnt:
Self-deprecation – “I smell”
Abuse – “You smell”
Comradeship – “We smell”
Emotional detachment - “They smell”
And stating the bleeding obvious – “The shower is not working.”
Learning what not to do can also be very useful at University. Here is some sage wisdom gleamed from the experiences of myself and friends of mine at University:
1. Do not, and I repeat, do not try to kill a rat you find in the kitchen by spraying it with the fire extinguisher, no good can come from doing this.
2. Do not try to match your hard drinking corridor resident’s drink for drink. Both they and you preferred the kitchen floors original white colour to its new greenish yellow colour.
3. Do not play strip poker with the aforementioned corridor residents, and if you feel you have to, plan how your going to cheat beforehand, as you can count on the fact they will be cheating constantly. Also try to keep the noise down, as a visit from the University authorities during the game due to excessive noise can be awkward.
4. Do not smoke under the smoke detector. Especially not during soap time. No one in your corridor will thank you for this.
5. Do not lend money to people. If they have no money its because they’ve failed to look after their own money, so don’t expect them to be any better at looking after the money you’ve lent them. They will inevitably spend it and then inform you they are broke and can't pay you back!
6. Do not lend your passport to anyone so that they can get into a club. Especially not if they are the girl who failed to pay you back the money you lent her.
Well I hope you found that interesting and informative! If you did then you may also like the following. If your life is dull and boring you can try some of these impossible challenges (not looking at anyone in particular…Lang):
1. Try to tiddlywink all the way down Oxford Street.
2. Try to get the local pizza company to deliver a dozen Cadburys Cream Eggs.
3. Ask a taxi driver to take you to nowhere.
4. Persuade the people in your university corridor to not go clubbing, and instead stay in for an evening of wine and cheese, and discussions on the finer points of philosophy.
5. Try to ride down a grassy hill in a supermarket trolley (it’s a lot harder than it looks)!
Well that’s all for the time being. If this article is a success then I’ll dedicate it to Lang, without whose support this article would not have been possible. If it turns out to be a failure then I’ll dedicate it to BigAl…